I’m not Proud of who I am

Originally posted on Instagram
Happy US Pride month from your local pan tran. 🏳️‍🌈
That said, Pride has always been an interesting time for me. It really makes me think about my true feelings on my gender and who I am. I’ve accepted the pan/bi aspect of my life and am happy to be prideful about that, but when I consider my gender, well… For me, being trans* has always been about “correcting a mistake”. I’ve met some incredible transfolk who accept their body as it is and are happy to live as they are. For me, the dysphoria is too much. It brings too much pain and transitioning is the only way to curb that for me. So should I be proud of that? Proud of having to correct a mistake at birth? Are people proud of wearing glasses, as that’s how I compare it: having to correct the body’s mistake. Yet people show pride in disabilities.

I’ve certainly become more and more happy the longer I’ve been on hormones, but I know the worst is yet to come. I’m going to have to deal with bullying and hate, even from people I call friends and family, just to feel okay about myself. There’s no Pride in that. Choosing to transition was a big decision for me. I always knew I needed the right body, but feared the social reprecussions. The breaking point was when I knew I’d die of my depression if I didn’t do something, so here I am. I’m carefully heading into the next few months. Planning on when I will socially transition. The time may come sooner than I like though, as my body is changing very quickly. So as I head into these uncharted territories, I remember something a close friend said to me. “You have all these big roles at our University, roles that put you in front of thousands of faces. I know you fear their judgement, but I think you should see this as an opportunity to show others that you don’t care what they will think. You can be a role model for closeted transfolk. Show them that their lives don’t have to be hindered by their gender identity.” So, maybe there is pride in that. Pride in being successful against all odds. I’m not sure. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the comments. Thank you for reading such a long post, but this has been on my mind and I thought I’d share.

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